Renee

11:55 pm: Birthday
( Belated post. )

11:10 am: inspired
A dew drop on a blade of grass
Sparkling in the bright rays of morning
Prismatic edges
Reminiscent of the rainbow of yesterday's sunrise
Two magical mornings
One inspiring weekend
Experiences held in gratitude:
Color emerging
From the meeting of rain and sun
Beauty arising
From the meeting of challenge and caring:
This is what I'll remember.

04:52 pm: Adding to the chorus today.




RIP Michael. And I hope that some part of your generosity and caring can continue on in the rest of us.

04:32 pm: About my meditation practice
I realize that I should probably dedicate a separate post to describing my meditation practice. Also, I'd love to have a dialogue with anyone else who is interested, who practices or wants to practice.

( Read more if you are interested. )

08:56 am: poem from a mostly-cloudy morning
"Parallax"

The sun pushing its way
through the rain-laden clouds
An effect of qualities
of the passing masses of gas and water
not the relatively constant
and presumably indifferent
nuclear reactor
millions of miles away.
But being human
I still take delight in such beauty
Brief respite for a troubled soul
Light still shines
Illuminating truth through transient darkness
And maybe the light of the soul is like the sun
It's more constant than it looks from here.

06:07 pm: poem
I wrote this for my tribe profile, and to summarize a lot of ideas. I'm interested in editing it into something as effective and presentable as possible, so feedback is welcome.

Prismatic Life

Beauty of hidden colors revealed delights my soul:
I love the real and imagined, our light and our darkness
How we shine, so brilliant, so inspiring, so alive!

I imagine a paradigm shift:
From a world caught up in
Unhealthiness, disconnection, hatred and fear

To a world that is safe and beneficial for us
To choose kindness, compassion, honesty, responsibility,
Interconnection, generosity, creativity, discovery, hope,
To care, to love, to shine.

Can you imagine?
Can you see?
Can you dream?
Can you love?

If we all did, maybe someday
The world would be safer, more supportive, empowering
For a way of life of that is sustainable, just, fulfilling,
For dreams to become reality.

If you can, would you choose
To imagine, to see, to dream, to love?
What can we do?

What do you imagine?
What do you see?
What do you dream?
What do you love?

Look deep into your soul and see the beauty there
Embrace your truth, your love, your passion
Know you are not alone, you are strong, we are strong
And shine!

01:02 pm: POEM.
I wrote and posted this back on June 11, 2004. I read it at the EAT passion show this year. It was a bit hidden in the archives, without comments. I wanted to share it again. It was dedicated to my friends then, and is now. Thank you all for your inspiration and support all these years. And why not, I'll even make this one public.

"TRUER LIVES"

We daydream of truer lives and less of the lies the world shows life must mean
And our spirits soar as thunder roars and the spring world waxes green
Daylight brings us hope and helps us cope as we stumble through their designs
But the night's embrace sets a different pace at the heart's newest finds

The time has come, it's now begun
We're finding our own way
Embrace the sun while we're still young
We choose our path today

We know the risks and all their tricks and they have their trueness too
We know our fears, and our tears, and nothing there is new
But we can't forget the fate that's met when blind passion's heat is spent
And our love is great, but so is hate, and never think that we're exempt

Questions burn, and we will learn
We're finding our own way
What can we give, and how to live
We choose our path today

So we'll sing out love and rise above all the modern treachery
We'll paint the stars and battle scars and know pain and ecstasy
The only rule for us fools is to ourselves be true
And we'll walk this road and not be sold on anything less than truth

Freedom calls, break down walls
We're finding our way
Embrace the road, while life still holds
We choose our path today

02:27 pm: "and my head I walk along . . ."
Maybe it's the season. Maybe it's the warm weather in November that makes me remember perhaps the best month of my life, 3 years ago. November 2003. Three years. So much has changed. How much I care hasn't, even if what that means has changed. Of all the people I miss, lately I've been missing him the most. It might be that I'm here at Lesley, where he had planned to go, enthusiastic about the kind of things I know he would have shared my enthusiasm for. Maybe I can so easily imagine him as part of this world, and it saddens me to not have him here.

It's been two months since I decided I need to write an entry here, public, in case he ever read. I don't need any apology from him, I've long forgiven him. I want to forgive myself, but it's so hard.

I don't want the daydreams of future partnership, or hope of how lovable I will be someday when I'm that person I'm supposed to become. I just want to be able to live this moment, each moment, true to the path, true to the Self in me that is beyond ego. There are so many pieces of my past I still need to make peace with. I feel like this one is long overdue.

My greatest fear has been that by failing him, betraying his trust as I did--I consider my demands and aggression and desperation a betrayal of our trust in each other, as well as my refusing to be patient and instead jumping to conclusions that were damaging to him--my fear is that I failed that part of him that actually needed me. I'm scared . . . I'm so scared that ultimately Carl's fate might be his . . . that in the darkest places of life and self he'd decide it's better to leave this world than to fight to be in it . . . or, not that extreme, that he'll kill off those parts of himself that I love so much, and believe in so deeply . . .

And I feel so guilty that it's my own needs and wishes that get in the way of Faith. And that guilt has left my heart torn, damaged, wounded so deeply. I want to let go of the ego and be the self, to let go of the hate and doubt fear and instead just love and have faith . . .

I don't want to need to know what has happened to him. I'm don't want to need anything except to be true, and to let go of this self-hatred and this guilt. And I knew I couldn't do that without writing this, so that he might know, if he wanted to, if he sought it. I'm still here, I've never closed the door and I never will. All I want is to allow myself to hold onto love and to faith, and to hold to gratitude for how much he gave me, love, help, faith, vision, strength. I don't want to deny the pain and fear, but I don't want to live in it anymore. It's been too long, and I'm too full of life and hope not to do this.

Dylan, I still love you, I always will. I'm sorry for what I did, but I need to accept my own forgiveness because I don't know that I'll ever get a chance to beg for yours. I'm grateful for all that happened between us, even the pain and loss that motivated me to change and become more. And I have faith in you, and I promise to hold that, rather than any pain or fear or regret. Even if you never know this, I know it, and that's enough.

( Lyrics )

10:57 am: TEST DONE! and Grandma.
Yay, I took the test! (MAT, Millers Analogy test, for grad school application.) I think I did fine, if it turns out they don't like my scores I can retake but I don't anticipate a problem. Onto next step in application process. Still trying to get the beating myself up out of my system. I likely got about 10 questions wrong I could have done better on because I messed up on timing. I actually knew, or had an idea about, a higher percentage of the test material than I expected, but I messed up on my strategy. I skipped questions, intending to go back, but I should have just filled in my best guess and THEN went back, because I ran out of time at the end and ended up filling in bubbles randomly for a couple seconds AFTER the pencils-down announcement. I should have just filled in something as I went, or not let myself get so hung up and waste time on some questions. Also, as much as studying helped some, for much of the material either I knew it before or I still don't know and wasn't going to know.

BUT IT'S OVER!

The process of studying and taking this test has illustrated for me that I wish I was more knowledgeable and educated. I just need to read more, and use the dictionary more, and expose myself to a broader range of materials, especially history/social science/current world events.

Steps left in applying to school: Essays and recommendations. I need to have this all done before the end of the month (that's when the application fee voucher I have expires, and I think the last deadline for any type of financial aid is June 15.)

As for my grandmother's death--thanks to everyone for condolences. I'm doing okay, and honestly it's not the worst thing to go through emotionally. If anything, I feel like I have more of a right to feel pain about this than about other things, so I can process it as it comes up. And I don't really need to be that supportive of anyone else, although I would have if it was practical. I'm glad my grandmother isn't suffering anymore, and I'm glad that the family can go through the grieving process. I think extended dying periods are more painful than death and loss itself. I'm more okay with life moving on than I am with it being stuck or frustrated. I feel guilty for feeling relieved, but I think I can forgive myself. It's not like I don't miss her.

What did I learn from my grandmother? The positive example she set was kindness and mothering and being positive. She was very loving and caring. I disagree with a lot of her values (the family values in general) and coping mechanisms. But she held the family, as small as it was, together, through love and affection. And I think she might have loved me more unconditionally than anyone else in my life, and as much as she was sometimes frustrated or disappointed or judgemental, she always still loved me the same. I wish I could have more of her calm, affectionate, accepting, mothering nature. She was stubborn, controlling, selfish (at least, "family" mattered more than anything, including doing what was good or right in the "big picture";) but she loved beauty, loved encouraging kindness and healthiness and caring and creativity, even if she never really pursued many creative outlets herself. I still resent much of what she did (or didn't do) that has hurt me and my mother, but she's also the best role model I've had for unconditional love and mothering. She was probably the safest person I've ever loved, always grateful for the love I gave but never really resenting me for what I didn't give, and giving continuously whether or not I gave her love and affection--she just trusted that I loved her. She had a good heart and soul, and she'll be missed.

I'm just so grateful that I got a chance to have a relationship with her, and that I feel I'm better off for knowing her, in her weaknesses and strengths. And I'm glad she knew I loved her.

09:43 pm: season shifting
I think this is my spring, this renewal of something lost, buried or abandoned that is coming to life again. I'm posting this as public, and I've decided that I need to rework my journal and make some things public, and change some things to private, so that the story told here reveals what I wish to tell. I don't know what I'll end up doing, but I trust myself to do something, bit by bit, as I can.

I wrote this on the T. And I actually even put some effort into reworking it. There is more of me and my truth in my poetry than in the long rants about the daily stresses and dramas of my life. So I'll share.

( I'm cutting this just for one day because it will probably look long on people's friends' pages. )

02:24 am: a step forward . . .
I finally realized that there was a guest book attached to the obituary. So, I wrote.

I think maybe I don't want to be so alone with my grief anymore.

I think I'm going to leave this post public, too. I've spent a long time hiding.

( Letter to Carl's family and friends )

10:56 pm: looking ahead . . .
I had such a long, useful list of goals last year. Articulating, actualizing, and reevaluating goals is a helpful process that I'm better at utilizing now.

I'm much more functional than I used to be. I've worked so hard in the past couple years to become healthy, functional, independent, balanced . . . and I've come a long way.

Right now, I don't need to set goals. I already have them. I have lots of them.

I lost so many things in 2005, lost people and relationships and dreams, but I found much more. Competence. Accomplishment. Resilience. Faith. Trust, even if I don't admit it.

My toast last night was "we survived this year, we'll survive another."

This year, I want to leave behind excuses. I want to be patient and honest and real enough to not need excuses. My excuses are born of fear. Fear of what I've only begun to understand, but I understand enough for now.

Fear has its place, but I don't need it in the same role that it has played for so long. I don't need my maladaptive and destructive anxiety. I can want and I can be motivated and I can be productive and I can love and I can be loved and I can make a difference in this world and I can be myself, without the anxiety that takes up so much of my existence.

Letting go of the excess, unadaptive fear leaves room for me to perceive, interpret, connect to, understand, appreciate, integrate, create, do so much more. I'm ready to be more than my fears. I'm ready to brave my fears and let myself just be, trusting that I'll find my path, and trusting that even if my worst fears manifest, I'll still keep going and be true to myself and my love.

I was thinking yesterday that my path through life does not lead me to find a way OVER obstacles, but to find my way THROUGH the difficulties. I often seek those difficulties. This choice is mine, it's what feels right for me; and it's okay, I just need to trust it.

So here I go, choosing where my time, energy, attention goes, not motivated by fear, but by love. Life isn't really that simple, but on some level it really can be that simple. Maybe by the end of the year I'll be able to explain it. I'll let you know.

This isn't new. There are very few entirely new ideas in my life now. Just new ways that they can manifest, evolve, and affect who I am and what I do.

This year, the ideas that I've collected for a lifetime will manifest in ways I've dreamed and never imagined. Something will always fall short of ideal, but life unfolding can be infinitely beautiful. I'm glad to be here, with all my loss, and all I'm connected to.

" . . . give me hope, give me hope, that emptiness brings fullness, and loss of love brings wholeness to us all . . ."

( lyrics to Hand Me Downs )

12:17 am: owner found!
So after my long adventures in getting the cat to the MSPCA today, I finally found the owner, or at least most recent owner. long story. might write tomorrow night. but i figured i'd let people know everything worked out (so far, at least).

yay!

06:59 pm: cat
I have a feeling I'm not going to locate the owner. Just a hunch. I put up a bunch of fliers around the perimeter of Tufts. Is someone is out looking for her, they will probably see one.

I hope I find the owner, but meanwhile I need to plan in case I don't. I can't keep her here.

The Animal Rescue League and Angell Memorial MSPCAs aren't open until Tuesday. I want to get the cat at least to a vet to be checked out before anything else. I can't keep her (I think it's a her?) but maybe I can find someone else who will.

I'm not sure how I can get her to the Angell Memorial. I also don't want to leave her here alone tomorrow, but I don't know what other option I have. Maybe I can take part of Tuesday off from work . . .

anyway i need to get ready and go get her.

I'll post the story later. I'm probably crazy for doing this. :(

04:48 pm: CAT FOUND NEAR TUFTS UNIVERSITY
There was a cat found around the Tufts university main campus and brought into the Tufts Police station earlier today. It is light gray and white, blue eyes, possibly siamese? and probably between 6 months to a year old. sweet and friendly, and obviously NOT an outdoor cat. if you know hear of anyone missing a cat in the area, please respond to this post (I don't feel comfortable posting my phone number). The cat is still currently at the police station but can't stay there overnight, so I agreed to take her just for tonight. I think the Tufts police are planning on turning it over to animal control. If anyone in the area has suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I'd like to locate her owners if possible. I'm going to try to post fliers around in the area. Thank you!

-Renee

02:36 am: Public Broadcasting
I occasionally tune into the rest of the world and realize that something is happening that I want to do something about.

Thursday the House Appropriations Committee voted to drastically cut funding to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, eliminating federal funding to NPR, PBS, local stations, and the Ready to Learn program that includes educational childrens programming like Sesame Street. The 25% estimates are also misleadingly low. The House might vote on this as soon as this Tuesday.

I'm not surprised that I didn't hear much about this. Does anyone know about this? Last time Congress tried this, the public outcry prevented it. I hope it happens again.

PLEASE contact your congressmen! Or at least sign a petition!

Here are a bunch of links.

A good article from local WGBH, with the contacts for congress AND good points to say.

CPB site

PBS site

Democracy Now with video clip

The MoveOn petition

Yahoo news-Reuters

I'll post again monday if people want, since that is when I will be calling. If anyone knows of other action being taken, please let me know. Thanks!

12:03 pm: happy day!
Happy Birthday lokiswings!

*happy dance to celebrate the day such a bright life came into this world*

*HUGS*

12:23 am: random thought . . .
Been reading various articles tonight. Sometimes reading unrelated things closely together makes for interesting connections.

Read a psych article earlier that described depression as the opposite of happiness--which I don't agree is, or should be, accurate. In fact, I strongly believe that anyone who has not been depressed and miserable at some point in their life has lived their entire life in denial of the reality of existence and while they may be "happy", I think that that is a very narrow and limiting definition. This gets into the question of what is happiness.

And that question is very relevant when you think about our society, one founded on the ideal of the "inalienable right of people to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

*sigh* I'm too tired to go into this now. It's along the lines of some of the BPA discussions lately. Important stuff, especially in these days when it seems like American attitudes play such an important role in so much of what happens on this sorry planet of ours.

Okie I think I sleep soon . . .

07:56 pm: Goals for 2005.
So my reason for having New Years resolutions/goals is that it works for me. Lists are useful. I'm really happy about how much progess I made on my list last year. Andl, honestly, I'm trying to make several shifts in my life at the moment. It's more like trying to shift gears than making major changes. Most of the major changes happened this past year. Now I just need to get going on down the road.

Goals for 2005:

(1) Establish good habits and systems for organization and functioning.

(2) Try to break old bad habits, which will involve confronting my issues (see below.)

(3) Decluttering and clearing of chaos and other stuff I don't need, physically, socially, emotionally.

(4) Continue to become healthier, more stable, more grounded, stronger, more centered, more balanced.

(5) Learn to deal with stress better internally--exercise, good habits, time for my different needs.

(6) Learn to deal with stress better externally--don't take it out on others, and don't make an unnecessary show of my emotions. Be more relaxed and calm.

(7) Become more coherent, integrated, whole, and connected (aka, my coherency project.)

(8) Work on my "issues": guilt complex, family and childhood stuff, self-esteem and motivation, commitment and anxiety, control, anger.

(9) Work on my relationship with Time. (Involves learning how not to procrastinate.)

(10) Work on my professional persona at work. Includes being on time consistently (I'm technically supposed to be there at 8:30, although I rarely am since I don't have to be); improving my physical appearance (especially clothing-wise); and improving my behavior (I'm in a leadership position, and I need to make sure I'm setting the best example that I can.)

(11) Get my finances under control, so I finally have savings. (Yes, I STILL have credit card debt, and I still spend too much. *sigh*)

(12) Get my health in order! (See doctors, see dentist, get bills sorted out, exercise.)

(13) Physical fitness: get in better shape through consistent exercise; take a martial arts or self-defense class.

(14) Get my driver's license. This is to be done BEFORE my birthday. S. will pay for lessons, and I will pay for our first road trip. Weee!!!

(15) Study for and take my GREs, or at least the psychology one. To be done before the end of this year.

(16) Start some kind of class in the fall. Or at least start thinking about where I want to go to school.

(17) Get my social life into something that feels manageable, and getting over my guilty complex (which manifests as passive-aggressive behaviors, avoidance, and defensiveness). Or at least stop projecting my issues onto everyone else.

(18) Fix up my live-journal (reference entries, etc.), and create my own website ("Coherency Project"--ps, any suggestions on how to start on this?). This will also involve trying to improve my writing.

(18) READ MORE.

(19) Become more of an activist in some way. Connect to and contribute to my community.

(20) Learn to sew, knit, and crochet. Make more jewelry.

(21) Learn outdoor and survival skills. (Learning how to tie knots and roleplaying a ranger count. I also have to go camping for real at least once--Pennsic doesn't count, but it's a part of it, too.)

(22) Make 1000 cranes for S.. She's doing the same for me.

(23) Write down my dreams!!! and eventually work on lucid dreaming.

(24) Academic reading/learning: psychology, physics, chem, bio, math, history, sociology.

(25) Not let my mom, or anyone else, usurp my time and attention, especially in a consistent and demanding way. Any commitments I make now, I work to keep, and I only make commitments that I can manage within the structure and plans of my life as it is. I.e., I'm not twisting my life around to try to save or help anyone unless it fits into how I need my life to be.

(26) Much less drama. I want a quiet, productive year. (I'm in the process of reading over my post from this past year, and yeah, way too busy, dramatic, fucked up. I'm so fucking glad it's over.)

(27) Travel. And make good use of my time off.

Yeah, it's a lot, but none of it is really new or different. I just don't want the amount of drama of the past year, and I just want to be able to deal with everything better.

short version: chill out, be productive, learn to deal, get my life together and functioning and balanced.

YAY FOR 2005!

06:49 pm: About 2004 . . .
Before I post my goals for the new year, I need to make a couple comments on last year.

DAMN THAT WAS A LONG, BUSY, INTENSE YEAR!

So much happened, so much changed, in my life, in me. I have no desire to summarize.

As good as it was in many ways, I never want another year like that. But at least I finally got here.

And I now intend to have a nice, much quieter year of slow, steady growth and rewarding productivity.

So now the list . . .