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March 4th, 2010
HELP! Home for kitty?
We might have a new apartment, but we can't bring our cat. :(
Does anyone have any suggestions about finding a good home for an amazingly well-behaved indoor female kitty, about 2 years old? She's very sweet, low-maintenance, a bit skittish in noisy places, a bit overweight but so happy . . . we love her, and don't want to give her up, but we're torn. Suggestions? Any past experience? Help?!
July 8th, 2009
A dew drop on a blade of grass
Sparkling in the bright rays of morning
Reminiscent of the rainbow of yesterday's sunrise
Two magical mornings
One inspiring weekend
Experiences held in gratitude:
From the meeting of rain and sun
From the meeting of challenge and caring:
This is what I'll remember.
June 26th, 2009
Adding to the chorus today.
RIP Michael. And I hope that some part of your generosity and caring can continue on in the rest of us.
March 26th, 2008
poem from a mostly-cloudy morning
The sun pushing its way
through the rain-laden clouds
An effect of qualities
of the passing masses of gas and water
not the relatively constant
and presumably indifferent
millions of miles away.
But being human
I still take delight in such beauty
Brief respite for a troubled soul
Light still shines
Illuminating truth through transient darkness
And maybe the light of the soul is like the sun
It's more constant than it looks from here.
July 25th, 2007
I wrote this for my tribe profile, and to summarize a lot of ideas. I'm interested in editing it into something as effective and presentable as possible, so feedback is welcome.
Beauty of hidden colors revealed delights my soul:
I love the real and imagined, our light and our darkness
How we shine, so brilliant, so inspiring, so alive!
I imagine a paradigm shift:
From a world caught up in
Unhealthiness, disconnection, hatred and fear
To a world that is safe and beneficial for us
To choose kindness, compassion, honesty, responsibility,
Interconnection, generosity, creativity, discovery, hope,
To care, to love, to shine.
Can you imagine?
Can you see?
Can you dream?
Can you love?
If we all did, maybe someday
The world would be safer, more supportive, empowering
For a way of life of that is sustainable, just, fulfilling,
For dreams to become reality.
If you can, would you choose
To imagine, to see, to dream, to love?
What can we do?
What do you imagine?
What do you see?
What do you dream?
What do you love?
Look deep into your soul and see the beauty there
Embrace your truth, your love, your passion
Know you are not alone, you are strong, we are strong
February 19th, 2007
I wrote and posted this back on June 11, 2004. I read it at the EAT passion show this year. It was a bit hidden in the archives, without comments. I wanted to share it again. It was dedicated to my friends then, and is now. Thank you all for your inspiration and support all these years. And why not, I'll even make this one public."TRUER LIVES"
We daydream of truer lives and less of the lies the world shows life must mean
And our spirits soar as thunder roars and the spring world waxes green
Daylight brings us hope and helps us cope as we stumble through their designs
But the night's embrace sets a different pace at the heart's newest finds
The time has come, it's now begun
We're finding our own way
Embrace the sun while we're still young
We choose our path today
We know the risks and all their tricks and they have their trueness too
We know our fears, and our tears, and nothing there is new
But we can't forget the fate that's met when blind passion's heat is spent
And our love is great, but so is hate, and never think that we're exempt
Questions burn, and we will learn
We're finding our own way
What can we give, and how to live
We choose our path today
So we'll sing out love and rise above all the modern treachery
We'll paint the stars and battle scars and know pain and ecstasy
The only rule for us fools is to ourselves be true
And we'll walk this road and not be sold on anything less than truth
Freedom calls, break down walls
We're finding our way
Embrace the road, while life still holds
We choose our path today
November 17th, 2006
"and my head I walk along . . ."
Maybe it's the season. Maybe it's the warm weather in November that makes me remember perhaps the best month of my life, 3 years ago. November 2003. Three years. So much has changed. How much I care hasn't, even if what that means has changed. Of all the people I miss, lately I've been missing him the most. It might be that I'm here at Lesley, where he had planned to go, enthusiastic about the kind of things I know he would have shared my enthusiasm for. Maybe I can so easily imagine him as part of this world, and it saddens me to not have him here.
It's been two months since I decided I need to write an entry here, public, in case he ever read. I don't need any apology from him, I've long forgiven him. I want to forgive myself, but it's so hard.
I don't want the daydreams of future partnership, or hope of how lovable I will be someday when I'm that person I'm supposed to become. I just want to be able to live this moment, each moment, true to the path, true to the Self in me that is beyond ego. There are so many pieces of my past I still need to make peace with. I feel like this one is long overdue.
My greatest fear has been that by failing him, betraying his trust as I did--I consider my demands and aggression and desperation a betrayal of our trust in each other, as well as my refusing to be patient and instead jumping to conclusions that were damaging to him--my fear is that I failed that part of him that actually needed me. I'm scared . . . I'm so scared that ultimately Carl's fate might be his . . . that in the darkest places of life and self he'd decide it's better to leave this world than to fight to be in it . . . or, not that extreme, that he'll kill off those parts of himself that I love so much, and believe in so deeply . . .
And I feel so guilty that it's my own needs and wishes that get in the way of Faith. And that guilt has left my heart torn, damaged, wounded so deeply. I want to let go of the ego and be the self, to let go of the hate and doubt fear and instead just love and have faith . . .
I don't want to need to know what has happened to him. I'm don't want to need anything except to be true, and to let go of this self-hatred and this guilt. And I knew I couldn't do that without writing this, so that he might know, if he wanted to, if he sought it. I'm still here, I've never closed the door and I never will. All I want is to allow myself to hold onto love and to faith, and to hold to gratitude for how much he gave me, love, help, faith, vision, strength. I don't want to deny the pain and fear, but I don't want to live in it anymore. It's been too long, and I'm too full of life and hope not to do this.
Dylan, I still love you, I always will. I'm sorry for what I did, but I need to accept my own forgiveness because I don't know that I'll ever get a chance to beg for yours. I'm grateful for all that happened between us, even the pain and loss that motivated me to change and become more. And I have faith in you, and I promise to hold that, rather than any pain or fear or regret. Even if you never know this, I know it, and that's enough.( LyricsCollapse )
Current Music: "Torn to Tattered" by Carbon Leaf
May 6th, 2006
TEST DONE! and Grandma.
Yay, I took the test! (MAT, Millers Analogy test, for grad school application.) I think I did fine, if it turns out they don't like my scores I can retake but I don't anticipate a problem. Onto next step in application process. Still trying to get the beating myself up out of my system. I likely got about 10 questions wrong I could have done better on because I messed up on timing. I actually knew, or had an idea about, a higher percentage of the test material than I expected, but I messed up on my strategy. I skipped questions, intending to go back, but I should have just filled in my best guess and THEN went back, because I ran out of time at the end and ended up filling in bubbles randomly for a couple seconds AFTER the pencils-down announcement. I should have just filled in something as I went, or not let myself get so hung up and waste time on some questions. Also, as much as studying helped some, for much of the material either I knew it before or I still don't know and wasn't going to know.
BUT IT'S OVER!
The process of studying and taking this test has illustrated for me that I wish I was more knowledgeable and educated. I just need to read more, and use the dictionary more, and expose myself to a broader range of materials, especially history/social science/current world events.
Steps left in applying to school: Essays and recommendations. I need to have this all done before the end of the month (that's when the application fee voucher I have expires, and I think the last deadline for any type of financial aid is June 15.)
As for my grandmother's death--thanks to everyone for condolences. I'm doing okay, and honestly it's not the worst thing to go through emotionally. If anything, I feel like I have more of a right to feel pain about this than about other things, so I can process it as it comes up. And I don't really need to be that supportive of anyone else, although I would have if it was practical. I'm glad my grandmother isn't suffering anymore, and I'm glad that the family can go through the grieving process. I think extended dying periods are more painful than death and loss itself. I'm more okay with life moving on than I am with it being stuck or frustrated. I feel guilty for feeling relieved, but I think I can forgive myself. It's not like I don't miss her.
What did I learn from my grandmother? The positive example she set was kindness and mothering and being positive. She was very loving and caring. I disagree with a lot of her values (the family values in general) and coping mechanisms. But she held the family, as small as it was, together, through love and affection. And I think she might have loved me more unconditionally than anyone else in my life, and as much as she was sometimes frustrated or disappointed or judgemental, she always still loved me the same. I wish I could have more of her calm, affectionate, accepting, mothering nature. She was stubborn, controlling, selfish (at least, "family" mattered more than anything, including doing what was good or right in the "big picture";) but she loved beauty, loved encouraging kindness and healthiness and caring and creativity, even if she never really pursued many creative outlets herself. I still resent much of what she did (or didn't do) that has hurt me and my mother, but she's also the best role model I've had for unconditional love and mothering. She was probably the safest person I've ever loved, always grateful for the love I gave but never really resenting me for what I didn't give, and giving continuously whether or not I gave her love and affection--she just trusted that I loved her. She had a good heart and soul, and she'll be missed.
I'm just so grateful that I got a chance to have a relationship with her, and that I feel I'm better off for knowing her, in her weaknesses and strengths. And I'm glad she knew I loved her.
Current Music: birds outside