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Renee

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10:57 am: TEST DONE! and Grandma.
Yay, I took the test! (MAT, Millers Analogy test, for grad school application.) I think I did fine, if it turns out they don't like my scores I can retake but I don't anticipate a problem. Onto next step in application process. Still trying to get the beating myself up out of my system. I likely got about 10 questions wrong I could have done better on because I messed up on timing. I actually knew, or had an idea about, a higher percentage of the test material than I expected, but I messed up on my strategy. I skipped questions, intending to go back, but I should have just filled in my best guess and THEN went back, because I ran out of time at the end and ended up filling in bubbles randomly for a couple seconds AFTER the pencils-down announcement. I should have just filled in something as I went, or not let myself get so hung up and waste time on some questions. Also, as much as studying helped some, for much of the material either I knew it before or I still don't know and wasn't going to know.

BUT IT'S OVER!

The process of studying and taking this test has illustrated for me that I wish I was more knowledgeable and educated. I just need to read more, and use the dictionary more, and expose myself to a broader range of materials, especially history/social science/current world events.

Steps left in applying to school: Essays and recommendations. I need to have this all done before the end of the month (that's when the application fee voucher I have expires, and I think the last deadline for any type of financial aid is June 15.)

As for my grandmother's death--thanks to everyone for condolences. I'm doing okay, and honestly it's not the worst thing to go through emotionally. If anything, I feel like I have more of a right to feel pain about this than about other things, so I can process it as it comes up. And I don't really need to be that supportive of anyone else, although I would have if it was practical. I'm glad my grandmother isn't suffering anymore, and I'm glad that the family can go through the grieving process. I think extended dying periods are more painful than death and loss itself. I'm more okay with life moving on than I am with it being stuck or frustrated. I feel guilty for feeling relieved, but I think I can forgive myself. It's not like I don't miss her.

What did I learn from my grandmother? The positive example she set was kindness and mothering and being positive. She was very loving and caring. I disagree with a lot of her values (the family values in general) and coping mechanisms. But she held the family, as small as it was, together, through love and affection. And I think she might have loved me more unconditionally than anyone else in my life, and as much as she was sometimes frustrated or disappointed or judgemental, she always still loved me the same. I wish I could have more of her calm, affectionate, accepting, mothering nature. She was stubborn, controlling, selfish (at least, "family" mattered more than anything, including doing what was good or right in the "big picture";) but she loved beauty, loved encouraging kindness and healthiness and caring and creativity, even if she never really pursued many creative outlets herself. I still resent much of what she did (or didn't do) that has hurt me and my mother, but she's also the best role model I've had for unconditional love and mothering. She was probably the safest person I've ever loved, always grateful for the love I gave but never really resenting me for what I didn't give, and giving continuously whether or not I gave her love and affection--she just trusted that I loved her. She had a good heart and soul, and she'll be missed.

I'm just so grateful that I got a chance to have a relationship with her, and that I feel I'm better off for knowing her, in her weaknesses and strengths. And I'm glad she knew I loved her.

Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: birds outside
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