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02:27 pm: "and my head I walk along . . ."
Maybe it's the season. Maybe it's the warm weather in November that makes me remember perhaps the best month of my life, 3 years ago. November 2003. Three years. So much has changed. How much I care hasn't, even if what that means has changed. Of all the people I miss, lately I've been missing him the most. It might be that I'm here at Lesley, where he had planned to go, enthusiastic about the kind of things I know he would have shared my enthusiasm for. Maybe I can so easily imagine him as part of this world, and it saddens me to not have him here.

It's been two months since I decided I need to write an entry here, public, in case he ever read. I don't need any apology from him, I've long forgiven him. I want to forgive myself, but it's so hard.

I don't want the daydreams of future partnership, or hope of how lovable I will be someday when I'm that person I'm supposed to become. I just want to be able to live this moment, each moment, true to the path, true to the Self in me that is beyond ego. There are so many pieces of my past I still need to make peace with. I feel like this one is long overdue.

My greatest fear has been that by failing him, betraying his trust as I did--I consider my demands and aggression and desperation a betrayal of our trust in each other, as well as my refusing to be patient and instead jumping to conclusions that were damaging to him--my fear is that I failed that part of him that actually needed me. I'm scared . . . I'm so scared that ultimately Carl's fate might be his . . . that in the darkest places of life and self he'd decide it's better to leave this world than to fight to be in it . . . or, not that extreme, that he'll kill off those parts of himself that I love so much, and believe in so deeply . . .

And I feel so guilty that it's my own needs and wishes that get in the way of Faith. And that guilt has left my heart torn, damaged, wounded so deeply. I want to let go of the ego and be the self, to let go of the hate and doubt fear and instead just love and have faith . . .

I don't want to need to know what has happened to him. I'm don't want to need anything except to be true, and to let go of this self-hatred and this guilt. And I knew I couldn't do that without writing this, so that he might know, if he wanted to, if he sought it. I'm still here, I've never closed the door and I never will. All I want is to allow myself to hold onto love and to faith, and to hold to gratitude for how much he gave me, love, help, faith, vision, strength. I don't want to deny the pain and fear, but I don't want to live in it anymore. It's been too long, and I'm too full of life and hope not to do this.

Dylan, I still love you, I always will. I'm sorry for what I did, but I need to accept my own forgiveness because I don't know that I'll ever get a chance to beg for yours. I'm grateful for all that happened between us, even the pain and loss that motivated me to change and become more. And I have faith in you, and I promise to hold that, rather than any pain or fear or regret. Even if you never know this, I know it, and that's enough.

Carbon Leaf, "Torn to Tattered"
In a classroom somewhere alone
Looking at the window scene
Tune out the tutor in me
Sun is going down through the line of trees
I day dream

And in my head I walk along
All the paths we have been on
There is a chance to bridge the line
Between two points ruptured in time
You lived your life like nothing else mattered
And now you're torn, torn to tattered

And I don't need any apology
And you know I don't need any apology
And it's a long walk away
Oh, it's a long walk away
Torn, tattered. torn...

Certain things make me feel
Like it was when we could steal
The magic of moments real
Revisit. remember. reunion. re-ember
The white smell of falling leaves
Walk along...
You walk the path like Charlie Brown
You're full of hope, but with your head down
And you only have one eye to see
The other's closed, and too scared to peak
And silence of the heart can leave you shattered
And now you're torn, torn to tattered


Through the line of trees I dream
of only good remembering
I think of you. was it...
Was it ever so bad my friend? And what was...
What was ever so bad my friend?
And in my head I walk along,
All of the paths we should be on
The sun is down, enjoyed the dream
I'm full of hope, that you think of me
I think of you and how much you mattered
When I'm torn, torn to tattered


Current Mood: gratefulgrateful
Current Music: "Torn to Tattered" by Carbon Leaf


[User Picture]
Date:November 17th, 2006 07:30 pm (UTC)
My friend wench33 is a TOTAL Carbon Leaf fangirl. :)
[User Picture]
Date:November 17th, 2006 09:02 pm (UTC)
She's actually the one who introduced Dylan to the band (I found out from her later,) and he's the one who introduced me. We used to listen to this album all the time (5 Alive).
[User Picture]
Date:November 27th, 2006 03:20 am (UTC)

Re: guilt and pain

Thank you, I greatly appreciate your commment. As much as this entry is about Dylan, it also expresses the attitude I'd like to reach about so much of my past.

Each day (especially at night, in my dreams) I am haunted by ghosts from the past: the patterns of relationships, power struggles, fears, failures, beliefs that were first created long ago. I know that I'm not going to be able to be grounded and whole and living in the present until I make peace with my past. It's a lot easier said than done. It is so hard to both hold the deep, painful emotion, and to try to be present in the adult, compassionate, reasonable, self-loving part of myself so that I can actually heal that early pain. The hardest part is forgiving myself now for the ways I still act from those old patterns, because the pain and guilt can, and do, drain my energy and determination if I don't deal with the emotions as they arise.

Even if I do a lot of the hard work myself these days, I never would have come this far if it wasn't for the people I've been blessed to have in my life, those who have inspired me, supported me, loved me, and had faith in me. I'm so grateful. It takes getting through and accepting pain and reality to reach gratitude, but I feel more whole and more alive when I get there. :)
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