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May 2nd, 2006

09:43 pm: season shifting
I think this is my spring, this renewal of something lost, buried or abandoned that is coming to life again. I'm posting this as public, and I've decided that I need to rework my journal and make some things public, and change some things to private, so that the story told here reveals what I wish to tell. I don't know what I'll end up doing, but I trust myself to do something, bit by bit, as I can.

I wrote this on the T. And I actually even put some effort into reworking it. There is more of me and my truth in my poetry than in the long rants about the daily stresses and dramas of my life. So I'll share.

I'm cutting this just for one day because it will probably look long on people's friends' pages.Collapse )

Current Mood: creativecreative
Current Music: "The Story" by Ani DiFranco

January 2nd, 2006

02:24 am: a step forward . . .
I finally realized that there was a guest book attached to the obituary. So, I wrote.

I think maybe I don't want to be so alone with my grief anymore.

I think I'm going to leave this post public, too. I've spent a long time hiding.

Letter to Carl's family and friendsCollapse )

Current Mood: relievedrelieved
Current Music: Indigo Girls-"Virginia Woolf"

January 1st, 2006

10:56 pm: looking ahead . . .
I had such a long, useful list of goals last year. Articulating, actualizing, and reevaluating goals is a helpful process that I'm better at utilizing now.

I'm much more functional than I used to be. I've worked so hard in the past couple years to become healthy, functional, independent, balanced . . . and I've come a long way.

Right now, I don't need to set goals. I already have them. I have lots of them.

I lost so many things in 2005, lost people and relationships and dreams, but I found much more. Competence. Accomplishment. Resilience. Faith. Trust, even if I don't admit it.

My toast last night was "we survived this year, we'll survive another."

This year, I want to leave behind excuses. I want to be patient and honest and real enough to not need excuses. My excuses are born of fear. Fear of what I've only begun to understand, but I understand enough for now.

Fear has its place, but I don't need it in the same role that it has played for so long. I don't need my maladaptive and destructive anxiety. I can want and I can be motivated and I can be productive and I can love and I can be loved and I can make a difference in this world and I can be myself, without the anxiety that takes up so much of my existence.

Letting go of the excess, unadaptive fear leaves room for me to perceive, interpret, connect to, understand, appreciate, integrate, create, do so much more. I'm ready to be more than my fears. I'm ready to brave my fears and let myself just be, trusting that I'll find my path, and trusting that even if my worst fears manifest, I'll still keep going and be true to myself and my love.

I was thinking yesterday that my path through life does not lead me to find a way OVER obstacles, but to find my way THROUGH the difficulties. I often seek those difficulties. This choice is mine, it's what feels right for me; and it's okay, I just need to trust it.

So here I go, choosing where my time, energy, attention goes, not motivated by fear, but by love. Life isn't really that simple, but on some level it really can be that simple. Maybe by the end of the year I'll be able to explain it. I'll let you know.

This isn't new. There are very few entirely new ideas in my life now. Just new ways that they can manifest, evolve, and affect who I am and what I do.

This year, the ideas that I've collected for a lifetime will manifest in ways I've dreamed and never imagined. Something will always fall short of ideal, but life unfolding can be infinitely beautiful. I'm glad to be here, with all my loss, and all I'm connected to.

" . . . give me hope, give me hope, that emptiness brings fullness, and loss of love brings wholeness to us all . . ."

lyrics to Hand Me DownsCollapse )

Current Mood: hopefulhopeful
Current Music: wgbh-Wayne Dyer-Power of Intention

July 12th, 2005

12:17 am: owner found!
So after my long adventures in getting the cat to the MSPCA today, I finally found the owner, or at least most recent owner. long story. might write tomorrow night. but i figured i'd let people know everything worked out (so far, at least).


Current Mood: relievedrelieved

July 10th, 2005

06:59 pm: cat
I have a feeling I'm not going to locate the owner. Just a hunch. I put up a bunch of fliers around the perimeter of Tufts. Is someone is out looking for her, they will probably see one.

I hope I find the owner, but meanwhile I need to plan in case I don't. I can't keep her here.

The Animal Rescue League and Angell Memorial MSPCAs aren't open until Tuesday. I want to get the cat at least to a vet to be checked out before anything else. I can't keep her (I think it's a her?) but maybe I can find someone else who will.

I'm not sure how I can get her to the Angell Memorial. I also don't want to leave her here alone tomorrow, but I don't know what other option I have. Maybe I can take part of Tuesday off from work . . .

anyway i need to get ready and go get her.

I'll post the story later. I'm probably crazy for doing this. :(

Current Mood: distresseddistressed
There was a cat found around the Tufts university main campus and brought into the Tufts Police station earlier today. It is light gray and white, blue eyes, possibly siamese? and probably between 6 months to a year old. sweet and friendly, and obviously NOT an outdoor cat. if you know hear of anyone missing a cat in the area, please respond to this post (I don't feel comfortable posting my phone number). The cat is still currently at the police station but can't stay there overnight, so I agreed to take her just for tonight. I think the Tufts police are planning on turning it over to animal control. If anyone in the area has suggestions, I'd love to hear them. I'd like to locate her owners if possible. I'm going to try to post fliers around in the area. Thank you!


June 18th, 2005

02:36 am: Public Broadcasting
I occasionally tune into the rest of the world and realize that something is happening that I want to do something about.

Thursday the House Appropriations Committee voted to drastically cut funding to the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, eliminating federal funding to NPR, PBS, local stations, and the Ready to Learn program that includes educational childrens programming like Sesame Street. The 25% estimates are also misleadingly low. The House might vote on this as soon as this Tuesday.

I'm not surprised that I didn't hear much about this. Does anyone know about this? Last time Congress tried this, the public outcry prevented it. I hope it happens again.

PLEASE contact your congressmen! Or at least sign a petition!

Here are a bunch of links.

A good article from local WGBH, with the contacts for congress AND good points to say.

CPB site

PBS site

Democracy Now with video clip

The MoveOn petition

Yahoo news-Reuters

I'll post again monday if people want, since that is when I will be calling. If anyone knows of other action being taken, please let me know. Thanks!

Current Mood: determineddetermined

March 25th, 2005

12:03 pm: happy day!
Happy Birthday lokiswings!

*happy dance to celebrate the day such a bright life came into this world*


Current Mood: bouncybouncy

January 17th, 2005

12:23 am: random thought . . .
Been reading various articles tonight. Sometimes reading unrelated things closely together makes for interesting connections.

Read a psych article earlier that described depression as the opposite of happiness--which I don't agree is, or should be, accurate. In fact, I strongly believe that anyone who has not been depressed and miserable at some point in their life has lived their entire life in denial of the reality of existence and while they may be "happy", I think that that is a very narrow and limiting definition. This gets into the question of what is happiness.

And that question is very relevant when you think about our society, one founded on the ideal of the "inalienable right of people to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."

*sigh* I'm too tired to go into this now. It's along the lines of some of the BPA discussions lately. Important stuff, especially in these days when it seems like American attitudes play such an important role in so much of what happens on this sorry planet of ours.

Okie I think I sleep soon . . .

January 2nd, 2005

07:56 pm: Goals for 2005.
So my reason for having New Years resolutions/goals is that it works for me. Lists are useful. I'm really happy about how much progess I made on my list last year. Andl, honestly, I'm trying to make several shifts in my life at the moment. It's more like trying to shift gears than making major changes. Most of the major changes happened this past year. Now I just need to get going on down the road.

Goals for 2005:

(1) Establish good habits and systems for organization and functioning.

(2) Try to break old bad habits, which will involve confronting my issues (see below.)

(3) Decluttering and clearing of chaos and other stuff I don't need, physically, socially, emotionally.

(4) Continue to become healthier, more stable, more grounded, stronger, more centered, more balanced.

(5) Learn to deal with stress better internally--exercise, good habits, time for my different needs.

(6) Learn to deal with stress better externally--don't take it out on others, and don't make an unnecessary show of my emotions. Be more relaxed and calm.

(7) Become more coherent, integrated, whole, and connected (aka, my coherency project.)

(8) Work on my "issues": guilt complex, family and childhood stuff, self-esteem and motivation, commitment and anxiety, control, anger.

(9) Work on my relationship with Time. (Involves learning how not to procrastinate.)

(10) Work on my professional persona at work. Includes being on time consistently (I'm technically supposed to be there at 8:30, although I rarely am since I don't have to be); improving my physical appearance (especially clothing-wise); and improving my behavior (I'm in a leadership position, and I need to make sure I'm setting the best example that I can.)

(11) Get my finances under control, so I finally have savings. (Yes, I STILL have credit card debt, and I still spend too much. *sigh*)

(12) Get my health in order! (See doctors, see dentist, get bills sorted out, exercise.)

(13) Physical fitness: get in better shape through consistent exercise; take a martial arts or self-defense class.

(14) Get my driver's license. This is to be done BEFORE my birthday. S. will pay for lessons, and I will pay for our first road trip. Weee!!!

(15) Study for and take my GREs, or at least the psychology one. To be done before the end of this year.

(16) Start some kind of class in the fall. Or at least start thinking about where I want to go to school.

(17) Get my social life into something that feels manageable, and getting over my guilty complex (which manifests as passive-aggressive behaviors, avoidance, and defensiveness). Or at least stop projecting my issues onto everyone else.

(18) Fix up my live-journal (reference entries, etc.), and create my own website ("Coherency Project"--ps, any suggestions on how to start on this?). This will also involve trying to improve my writing.


(19) Become more of an activist in some way. Connect to and contribute to my community.

(20) Learn to sew, knit, and crochet. Make more jewelry.

(21) Learn outdoor and survival skills. (Learning how to tie knots and roleplaying a ranger count. I also have to go camping for real at least once--Pennsic doesn't count, but it's a part of it, too.)

(22) Make 1000 cranes for S.. She's doing the same for me.

(23) Write down my dreams!!! and eventually work on lucid dreaming.

(24) Academic reading/learning: psychology, physics, chem, bio, math, history, sociology.

(25) Not let my mom, or anyone else, usurp my time and attention, especially in a consistent and demanding way. Any commitments I make now, I work to keep, and I only make commitments that I can manage within the structure and plans of my life as it is. I.e., I'm not twisting my life around to try to save or help anyone unless it fits into how I need my life to be.

(26) Much less drama. I want a quiet, productive year. (I'm in the process of reading over my post from this past year, and yeah, way too busy, dramatic, fucked up. I'm so fucking glad it's over.)

(27) Travel. And make good use of my time off.

Yeah, it's a lot, but none of it is really new or different. I just don't want the amount of drama of the past year, and I just want to be able to deal with everything better.

short version: chill out, be productive, learn to deal, get my life together and functioning and balanced.

YAY FOR 2005!

Current Mood: optimisticoptimistic
Current Music: Indigo Girls-"Hammer and Nail"
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